There are times when while walking on this path mind began to question, it has been years. What have you achieved so far ? Some days it becomes hard to keep walking. Walking !!! It becomes hard to lift a single step.
There are days, weeks even when heart feels as if rather then going forward we are sliding more backward.
May be it's just the inability to meditate. When mind tells, we meditated better when we started. Now it's just tedious routine. Where there is no hope of ever finding any Light or Sound. How many of us begin with sure assurance in our heart that where every one failed. I will succeed. I will reach the Celestial Light and Sound. I am guessing almost every one. Who after initiation, sincerely sit down to meditate.
And years pass by. Nothing happens. Oh !! yes... The Celestial Sound changes into chattering and bickering of mind. And gradually dulling of senses, with lotz of yawning and moving..... And meditating hours just fly by...
Is HE counting our this much efforts even ?? HE says we could wish that our sleeping at the sitting time could be counted as efforts. But it is not. A huge slap on face. And yet. Mind continuously keeps playing this trick. After all it has found the hat trick. The ace up it's sleeves. It's like mind is gleefully saying.... You won't give up when i kept whispering and chattering. Now give up. Coz HE isn't counting your pitiful sitting efforts now. Leave apart many MASTERS THEMSELVES went through this phase. They came out winners.... You won't. And mind says... i will make sure of it..
So what it is ?? What thread we can keep holding on and keep continuing. ??
Nothing..
I m not here to give big lectures. Or write about MASTERS today...
I m just a struggler facing lotz of questions today. Some times it's hard to keep in mind... Two rules... Begin and then continue. Not when efforts are total waste.
It would be so much easier to give up..
What makes or what keeps any of us keep moving on at that time. ??
I haven't found any enlightened soul t give me boost. Or to tell me. What to do now. I do have this pain in heart that i can't meet my Physical MASTER. And ask HIM personally ---- what do i do now ?? I do feel all alone on this path now-a-days. More then ever. And no amount of theories written in books, no amount of rationalizations based on all those spiritual books and theories help. Believe me ... coz i have tried... Dil ko behlane ke liye Galib ye khayal accha hai.
All the theories just feels like consolation meant to offer at such a points. Where as they fail to console. It might be my heavy karmas coming in way. It might be trick of mind... in which it is surely winning. Life can continue on this path till i breath my last and nothing will happen. A huge depressing thought.
And still i keep trudging along. Why ??
I won't talk about others... I am just listing out my reasons. It may help someone. or it may not...
I keep trudging ... Coz i have no other option left. World hold nothing for me. There is no attraction attractive enough ( i hopefully feel ) which can hold me enough to return back to world. And give up the petty effort to meditate. Which HE isn't even counting.....
I reason my mind....
Even if HE is not counting my efforts... Atleast i am still trying to turn up. TRYING HARD. If HE wants to disregard that... HIS wish... who i am to question ?? My part is just to turn up.
And then i am forced to analyze my life. Analyze... which HE constantly advices us not to do...
But in this case i have to...
Since it helps in keep going on..
What have i to loose ? Nothing. I have no actual efforts in my account. Not big enough that can guarantee i can achieve union with my BELOVED on my own efforts. This much i have understood. I have no life left in this world. So better then doing nothing and giving up is... to keep trying...
I have no hopes left in me..
Just a waiting... some day.... HE just might remember the little me... and shower HIS mercy on me. And pull me out of this limbo...
And biggest of all...
I do accept i have achieved one greatest thing while trudging on this path....
I am not what i was yesterday.
And i won't be what i am today..
My war is and will always be with my previous self...
And if i analyze and analyze ( again... against HIS advice... ) what i was yesterday and what i am at this moment..
Then yes... I AM A BETTER PERSON...
There still is scope of hugest possible reforms left in me. I am still far from becoming a good person. But ...
It gives reason to move on.... Understanding... that even this much was not possible for me.. On my own i could never have become even this much better. So it must be because of HIS grace. This is not theory. This is experience. And having experience means a lottttt. It gives a lotttt....
So lastly mind asks.... If experience can give conviction and strength. Then when HE tells us... experiencing BELOVED through Light and Sound will give us everlasting faith and a way back home... Then ..
Why not keep trying..
What have i to loose... ???
Peace And Bliss to all
And me too .....
